Vegans Are Douche Bags

written by the vassar comikaze


When I was six years old, my grandpa took me and my friend out to the school yard for ground ball practice. We pounded our fists into our gloves, eager to work on our fielding. After about two minutes, our enthusiasm turned to sheer horror as my grandpa hit baseballs at us with all his might. They ricocheted off the concrete school yard’s surface and whizzed past our heads at mach 3.

Another time, he pulled me aside from a family gathering and said, “You know what I need? Some nice, crisp, iceberg lettuce. Have you ever craved lettuce?” Needless to say, my grandpa is a pretty nutty guy. I don’t think there’s anyone else in the world that has the capacity to crave lettuce… except of course for vegans.

I haven’t met many vegans, but the one’s I have met are self-righteous douche bags. I’ve consulted some friends on the matter, and they too only know vegans to be ass-clowns. Vegans care about animal rights, support local farmers and eat healthy: Why is it that they, of all people, are consistently such royal pricks?

The problem with Vegans is simple - they are completely out of touch with normal people. In order to get a meal that meets their requirements, they either eat at a vegan restaurants or shop at a vegan specialty store. They go to these places almost every day. As a result, they spend far too much time with other rich, white vegans. They then get it in their head that what they’re doing is right and what the rest of the world does is wrong.

To “enlighten” others, they make pamphlets such as this, only succeeding in demonstrating how out of touch they are. I don’t care if you’re selling hundred dollar bills for a nickel: There is no way you’re going to sell anything (especially something as unappealing as a vegan lifestyle) if you show potential customers images of chickens being force fed and pigs collapsing in their own puke. Maybe you’d realize that if you interacted with normal people once in a while; meat-eating people.

Instead of making me want to become a vegan, this pamphlet made me hate vegans. It’s vegans that showed me the horrifying images and Mcdonalds that gave me a medium thirteen with a coke. Besides, it’s not as if eating chicken means condemning ol’ Clucky to a long, painful death. If anything, it’ll be short and excruciating.

There is no way I’ll ever become a vegan. The mere thought of eating tofu for the rest of my life is enough to give me stomach cancer. I’m a man - I like to eat steak.