The Vassar Comikaze's Day Off

written by the vassar comikaze

Yesterday, I cut class to go to the home opener at the new Yankee Stadium. The place looks absolutely gorgeous. It maintains the historic feel of the old park, at the same time providing the fans with limitless ill shit: an abundance of concession stands, a small Yankee museum, a lot of space to walk around in and a motherfuckin’ steakhouse. To top it off, only a relative handful of people have set foot inside. This means that it’s not yet littered with ancient peanut shells, and sitting on the toilet only gives you a 39% chance of getting crabs.

I appreciated the plush amenities and nearly parasite free facilities, but there were definitely some negative aspects to the experience. Namely, the Yankees gargled Chief Wahoo’s balls to the tune of 10-2. CC was nothing special, the offense was absent and the bullpen was so bad that George Steinbrenner pooped himself in frustration.

Aside from the fact that that the Yankees lost by eight, the worst part of the whole experience was this douche-bag that sat next to me. He was fine for most of the game, only making mildly annoying comments such as “you can’t really see the game from up these seats” and “there’s less foul territory here” (there’s more). When the guy crossed the line was in the seventh inning, exactly when the Yankee’s chances of winning turned to shit.

At the time, I was one of about 40,000 fans booing Jose Veras for giving away the game. The “reliever” gave up one walk, two hits and three runs, all without recording a single out. As I was booing him with all I had, the guy on my right turned towards me and said, “You know, you really can’t boo your own player. You can boo guys on the other team, but you can’t boo your own player.”

I thought to myself: Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Of course you can boo your own player! Veras is making millions of dollars a year to pitch at most two innings every three days. He is a relief pitcher, and a relief pitcher that does not provide relief has failed. In professional sports, fans have the right to boo you when you fail. It’s not like Veras is a veteran that’s been on the team forever and has earned my respect. He’s a decent pitcher that has potential but hasn’t proven shit. I can boo him all I want, cockfag.

I didn’t say any of this to him. I just shrugged and looked away, pushing my rage deep down where it can never, ever escape. Ever.

The irony was that the he was lecturing me about what it means to be a good fan, but thought it was okay to leave the game after the sixth inning. Fact: You haven’t experienced a Yankee game unless you stay until Ronan Tynan has finished God Bless America (pronounced Amereeca). Beat the traffic, dingus. My only revenge, if you can call it that, was letting out a long, thunderous boo as the asshole was walking away from his seat.

So I didn’t have the best day at the ballpark. At least I managed to lose a laundry bag filled with clothes on the way back to Vassar. I’d look forward to the weekend, but I’m having my wisdom teeth pulled out today.

My back hurts…