The Best News All Day

guest post all the way from boston. written by L.A. Fine

I think we can all agree that the world is a pretty depressing place to live: The stock market is in free fall, unemployment is rising as fast as global sea levels, and Howie Mandel has two shows on NBC.

One of the unfortunate results of attending a big communications school is that the faculty thinks it’s important for me to be informed about current events. I am thus strongly encouraged to read the New York Times every day. I wouldn’t mind the task if things weren’t so fucked up, but alas, they are, and the last time I checked the Times doesn’t offer a free Zoloft prescription with the Sunday edition.

To alleviate the depression that comes with constantly reading about the evil in the world, I began looking for the most hilarious bits of bad news for my own schadenfreudal delight. The results have yielded a fascinating bit of information: It is 2009 and pirates are still terrorizing the high seas.

Yes, pirates. Not the music and movie pirates that piss off the recording industry, but real mother fuckin’ pirates. These guys sail up alongside a lumbering ship carrying valuable goods, climb on board and take the shit captive. They then force the government of the ship’s home country to pay a ransom for the release of the boat and crew.

And the best part is, the governments do it! They put like 3 million dollars in a duffle bag and drop it from a plane with a little parachute attached. The pirates count the money, get back on their little dinghy, and get the fuck out of there.

The same shit that Vikings named Redbeard were doing in the 1500’s is happening right now in the Gulf of Aden, off the coast of Somalia. The only difference is that now the big bearded men with hooks and sabers are scrawny west-Africans with bazookas and AK-47s. And it’s not as if a few of these guys got together and said, “Hey, lets fuck with this ship and call ourselves pirates!” The Gulf of Aden is currently known as a “pirate infested body of water.” We have an infestation of pirates in the 21st century!

With over 100 cases of piracy on the high seas reported already this year, the institution seems to be going strong. Who knows, maybe other old favorites like witch burnings, gladiatorial fights to the death, and unprotected sex will make a comeback as well. We all know times are rough, but hang in there all you spoiled college kids! You may have given up on your dreams of being a professional athlete, the front man of a boy band, an astronaut (or both), but I hope it comforts you to know that you can still dream of being a pirate.

Here’s to optimism folks, and here’s to the best news all day!