Jimmy the Asshole - Part II

Part I



When I got back to my dorm I was rip-shit mad. I punched the side of my wall ‘til my neighbor came in and complained. She was all, “Stop punching my wall! I have a test tomorrow you psycho!” I was like, “Bitch, don’t you know how to knock?” and I smacked her in the titties. But even that didn’t cheer me up. Like I said, I was rip-shit mad. I knew the only thing that would make me feel better was some vengeance.

I looked up the librarian’s address on the internet and biked over at three in the morning. It was a pretty nice place for a librarian, lawn and everything. I took a deep breath and pumped myself up. It was game time.

I broke in through the window and landed in a box of kitty litter. Shit was everywhere. “Shit,” I thought. “That gives me an idea.” I crept up the stairs to her bedroom and slowly opened the door. She was in a big bed, fast asleep.

I turned on the lights. “Wake the fuck up!” She darted up out of her bed, caught sight of me and yelled.

“What the fuck are you doing here?!”

“You know exactly what I’m doing here.”

“Get the fuck out of here!”

I threw two handfuls of cat shit at her face and she fell back onto the bed. I ran up to her cat shit stained head, crouched, and cut a big fart. I call it the Garfield.

There was a huge bang at the front door. I heard the sound of footsteps bounding up the stairs. Suddenly, the door flew open, I was on the ground, and a Doberman pincher was biting my sac. “Hands behind your back!”

What the fuck’s going on? Find out next week in the thrilling conclusion!

N.A.'s Diary of a Concerned White Boy

Guest Post: Written by N.A.

I've been noticing a lot more black skateboarders roaming the streets of New York City lately, and I honestly can't help but worry a little bit. Skateboarding is one of the few sports white people still dominate, but most white skateboarders are too busy smoking weed and not washing their hair to even be thinking about the chocolate apocalypse that is coming their way.

Let’s look at who’s been at the top of so called “white sports” in recent years. Golf: We got Tiger Woods destroying all these country club, mayonnaise eating, visor wearing white fucks. Honestly, the only slave left in this country is Phil Mickelson, and Tiger Woods owns him. Tennis: We got Serena and Venus Williams wreaking havoc, hitting balls twice as hard as Anna Kornikova can suck them. Serena and her ass could probably beat the best two white chicks in a doubles match. Swimming: Sure, Michael Phelps is wrecking shit now, but what happens when Usain Bolt gets overheated from running, jumps in a pool, and suddenly realizes that if he wanted to, he could lap Michael Phelps worse than I can lap a girl in Koopa Troopa Beach?

Based on the state of other sports, it’s really only a matter of time before white folks lose their edge in skateboarding. Tony Hawk better take his kids out of elementary school ASAP and train their asses 24/7. I don’t want to have to watch Woody Harrelson's decrepit ass star in "White Men Can't Ollie".

Female Runner Has Balls

On 9/10/09, it was reported that South African runner Caster Semenya, winner of the 800 meter event at the world athletics championships, has balls. Semenya is what’s known as a hermaphrodite: a person with both male and female reproductive organs.

When informed that she had internal testicles, Semenya said “I fully embrace my status as a hermaphrodite. With both balls and a cooch, I am unstoppable. All hail Semenya!”

As the first known Hermaphrodite in the history of the sport, Semenya’s case is a difficult one for the world running board. Arthur Landrum, Head of the Board, released the following statement to the press: “We are taking Semenya’s case very seriously. In the end, we have do what’s best for the sport, and unfortunately, this may not necessarily be what’s best for her. Him? Herm.”

The five running fans in the world are eagerly awaiting the board’s decision.