Something Different Today

written by the vassar comikaze

I was looking through some of my senior year work the other day(procrastinating) and found this dialogue I wrote towards the end of the year. I had two assignments that week, so to save time I tried to write something that I could hand in for both classes. The two assignments were to come up with a moon hoax, and write something with two distinct voices. This is what I came up with:

Emergency Broadcast System: We interrupt this presentation of Star Trek XII: Spock’s Colonoscopy to bring you this live, emergency programming.

James Kelly: Thank you all for joining us involuntarily. I’m James Kelly of World News. Co-hosting with me today for this momentous occasion is Kelly James of the daytime Emmy winning talk show, "Hollywood does Kelly"… wait, scratch that. "Kelly does Hollywood." Sorry about that Kelly.

Kelly James: [oblivious] Great to see you again James!

James Kelly: Joining us is college professor and renowned astronomer Herschel Nebulawitz who -

Herschel Nebulawitz: Shana Tova to you both. It’s a pleasure to be here to share this remarka-

James Kelly: [raises voice] As I was saying, we’re here with professor Nebulawitz who -

Herschel Nebulawitz: Sorry, it’s just that I’ve never been on TV before and everyone in my congregation is watching over at the synago-

James Kelly: [visibly agitated] Ahem! [regains composure] The professor is here to share his recent findings regarding the moon. Thanks for agreeing to speak on such short notice professor.

Herschel Nebulawitz: You’d think I’d turn down national television…catering? Necha, please.

Kelly James: There he goes with that Jewish humor again. Isn’t he such a riot?

James Kelly: [looks at both of them with subdued disdain] Professor, didn’t you come here today because you had something important to say??

Herschel Nebulawitz: What? [pulls up yarmulke to scratch head beneath] Right! That’s right now I remember. James, Kelly, viewing public: I have discovered conclusively that there is life on the moon!

James Kelly: Now professor, I’m sure you’ll understand if our viewers would be skeptical about this claim. As you know, there have been numerous explorations of the moon’s surface, with none of them revealing life of any kind.

Herschel Nebulawitz: Well of course they didn’t find anything; they didn’t look in the right place! With funding from Jewish space-exploration organizations such as Hebrews for Heliocentrism, I was able to build the first moon rover capable of digging beneath the moon’s surface. When I saw the pictures the Macabee 1 was sending back, oy! Simply to die.

Kelly James: This is more exciting than the time I interviewed Tony Shalhoub!

James Kelly: Let’s try to stay serious here Kelly.

Kelly James: I kid, I kid. We all know that there’s nothing more exciting than the star of USA’s hit sitcom Monk on Thursdays at 8. That’s Monk starring Tony Shalhoub.

James Kelly: [refuses to acknowledge her] So, professor, what did these images display?

Herschel Nebulawitz: First it sent back pictures of gravel, then some brown matter-like matter that strongly resembled dirt. Once the Macabee 1 got beneath all that, it started sending pictures of buildingy structures that appeared to be buildings of some sort. And I swear to Hashem himself, I began getting pictures of living creatures. They stood up straight on two legs, had arms and bodies just like ours. I tell you, these things were just as human as you or me.

Kelly James: Professor, do you mean to tell me that you actually got pictures of gravel?! I think I speak for everyone when I say I’d like you to elaborate.

Herschel Nebulawitz: Certainly Kelly. The gravel was brown with specks of –

James Kelly: With all due respect to my colleague, I think the more pertinent question is about these so called moon-men. Do you have the photos that the Macabee 1 sent back?

Herschel Nebulawitz: Of course. Feast your eyes. [proudly hands pictures over]

Kelly James: Oh my, they do look exactly like us! But what are those circular objects on top of their heads…and those two strange curly things hanging out from under them?

Herschel Nebulawitz: Glad you asked. It hasn’t been confirmed, but I believe that these are extra organs that serve remarkable purposes. The curly objects appear to be antennas that give these creatures a heightened ability to protect their possessions. You’ll see in picture three that the creature is fully aware that the other creature behind him is trying to snatch whatever object it is he’s holding. As for the circular object on the head, I believe it is a mechanism which causes the creatures to bow uncontrollably while muttering some kind of incantation, thus –

James Kelly: [stands up, exasperated] This is completely absurd. Mr. Nebulawitz, you are a total fraud. These aren’t pictures from the moon, they’re from your son’s bar mitzvah.

Herschel Nebulawitz: Sweet Streisand! I don’t have to listen to these wild allegations.

Kelly James: Yeah James, sweet Struh… screaming Struhhs… Struhsund?

Herschel Nebulawitz: Streisand.

Kelly James: That’s it. I always have trouble with your silly names.

James Kelly: I can’t stand either of you anymore. These pictures are NOT from the moon. The circular objects, the curly antennas… yarmulkes and peyes. The reason why these people look so much like humans is because they are humans: they’re orthodox Jews from Long Island. And if you look in the background of this picture, you can clearly see that it says Smithtown Synagogue congratulates Jacob on becoming a man. Mr. Nebulawitz, I think you owe us, and all of our viewers an apology.

Herschel Nebulawitz: [in a stern tone] I’ve met your kind before, James. You just can’t believe that a Jewish man would have the capacity to find life on the moon when all you gentiles couldn’t do it after centuries of searching. You sir, are an anti-Semite.

James Kelly: You’re... you’re not serious.

Herschel Nebulawitz: Oh I’m serious James. Serious as Steven Speilberg when… serious as Sarah Silverman’s…serious as Sammy Davis jr… forget the fakachta alliteration. Yes, I’m serious!

Kelly James: James, it’s just a little suspect that you’d question the professor when he’s put the evidence right in front of you. Just embrace your anti-Semitism and we can move on. It’s okay James [puts hand on his knee] you can talk to Kelly.

James Kelly: Get your hand off of me! Are you both insane?! We’ve interrupted another show so we could appear live, and this fraud comes on claiming that he’s found alien life at a Long Island bar mitzvah! How did he even get on the air anyway? Don’t we have a screening process or something? With the exception of the O’Reiley Factor, this is the most poorly conceived news show I’ve ever been a part of!

Herschel Nebulawitz: You see Kelly, the man can’t stop insulting people. Now he’s going off on the Irish! What did the Irish ever do to you James?

James Kelly: First of all, I am Irish. Secondly –

Kelly James: He’s a self hating anti-Semite! I’ve covered his kind before on my award winning special, self hating anti-Semites. [turns to camera] Which by the way is available on DVD and Bluray, only at Bestbuy.

James Kelly: [red with frustration] I… you can’t.. how is that even [clutches chest]… arghhh…. ughhhhh [collapses onto the floor].

Kelly James: [springs to her feet] He’s having a heart attack! Medic! Nurse! Jesus!

Herschel Nebulawitz: It’s okay Kelly, I can handle this. I didn’t spend seven years at the moyle institute for nothing. Stand back [pulls scalpel out of his back pocket and begins cutting into James’ chest]

James Kelly: [inaudibly] Get away from me, you…idio-

Kelly James: What did he say, professor?

Herschel Nebulawitz: It was beautiful Kelly, he apologized for his self hating anti-semitism. Don’t worry, James bubalah. Herschel’s here to help! [continues cutting as blood pours out of Jame's chest and he stops moving entirely]

Kelly James: Well, that about does it for this emergency programming. I’m Kelly James, and thanks for watching.