The Problem With Pubes

written by the vassar comikaze

I was twelve years old and had to piss like a racehorse. I ran up the three flights of stairs to my apartment, opened the door and made a bee line to the bathroom. Pulling out my prepubescent weewee in the nick of time, I aimed, fired and let the juices flow. When the last drop had dribbled out, I reached out to flush when I noticed something strange. About an inch above my dick, there was a single black pube as curly as a pig’s tail.

Since that day, hair has become all too common a sight in my nether region. It’s not Robin Williams status, but I definitely have more than I know what to do with. For girls it’s easy; if it ain’t on the top of your head, get rid of it. (My apologies to all you hairy vaged Valeries out there, but the fact of the matter is that I know ZERO men who prefer a bearded clam to a shaved pussy.) For men, things are not so easy. We’ve got more hair in more places, and struggle with what exactly is just the right amount of manscaping.

Let’s start with the bush. Any guy who has let that area go without a trim for a while knows that you simply can’t leave it alone. After a few months, your crotch will undoubtedly start to resemble Eugene Levy. Worse, your wang will look way smaller when immersed in the dense forest that is your pubes. Au natural is not an option.

On the other end of the spectrum, you can’t just shave it all off. I don’t know if you saw Watchmen, but staring at Dr. Manhattan’s dick for three hours taught me that a penis without hair is just silly (especially when there are four of them and they’re bright blue). True, your dick is going to look a lot bigger. But as someone who has taken the plunge and shaved it all off before, I can assure you that it’s a mistake. After shaving, a colony of red bumps sprouts up, making you wonder if you’ve contracted dicken pox. When the hair finally does grow back, it itches like a motherfucker; you’ll spend more time scratching yourself than Tyrone Biggums.

What’s a guy to do? For what it’s worth, my strategy is to trim it every month or so. My dick isn’t naked, but it isn’t wearing a down jacket either. I feel pretty comfortable with how I handle this area, but when it comes to neighbors Mr. Ass and Madame Grundle I’m about as clueless as anyone.

Fear is my biggest obstacle in these two areas. I can’t see what the fuck I’m doing down there and I’m afraid I’m going to accidentally stab myself in the anus with a pair of scissors. I don’t know what would be worse; the excruciating pain or explaining to my parents why a foreign object is up my ass. Even if I manage to avoid catastrophe, odds are I’m going to cut the hair unevenly. The best case scenario is that it looks like the work of a retarded barber college. For this reason I generally avoid these areas, taking care of my taint only if it’s absolutely necessary.

When it comes to a man’s hair, I acknowledge that I’m no Giuseppe Franco. But with the lack of clear cut standards to follow, is anyone?