Maybe I'm Being Anal, Butt...

written by the vassar comikaze

I was sitting in class today and really had to fart. One of those farts that you know is going to be loud, potentially wet and smell like low tide. I should mention that I cannot bring myself to pass gas in class. I’m terrified that I’ll let one squeak out one day, drawing the eyes and laughter of everyone in the room. With this scenario in mind, I squirmed around in my chair to hold the noxious fumes in. I even rapped on the desk to make noise should I slip up. After about thirty seconds of this, the need to let rip subsided and a meltdown was averted.

Holding it in has become all too common an occurrence now, as almost anywhere I fart is a public place. I’m in college, and that means whenever I use the bathroom I’m typically doing my business mere inches from about two other people. To make matters worse, the bathrooms are coed! I don’t want to shit in front of girls, and I don’t want to acknowledge that girls shit. It’s an awful situation. Since people are always in the bathroom (some of them girls), I cannot fart as loud as I want to. Even though they usually leave before I come out and show my face, I’m afraid I’m going to get out of the stall before they leave the bathroom, and they’ll know who laid that ghastly fart. So I muffle my farts to the point where they’re sbds, and squeeze out my turd in peace. I’m pretty sure my colon is going to explode one day if I keep holding farts in like this. The irony is that I’m trying keep myself from being embarrassed in front of people who have the bathroom etiquette of a monkey with explosive diarrhea.

Consistently using a public bathroom has made me bitter towards my fellow man. It’s one thing if I’m using a Mcdonalds bathroom. The scum of the earth is using that thing. I’ve gone in before and literally seen a hobo bathing himself in the sink. To expect that bowl to be clean is just silly. Frankly, if there isn’t a dead rodent in the motherfucker I’ll be pleased. But at Vassar College, a place where people pay fifty-grand for tuition and thus all come from at least somewhat affluent backgrounds, I expect pristine terlets. Fuck it, I want butlers in there holding hot towels so I can better clean my stank-ass shit hands. Instead, the toilets are encrusted with piss, pubic hairs clinging to the surface. Now I ask you, what person does not wipe the seat after sprinklin’ when they tinklin’?

More repugnant are the people who have the audacity to not flush after dropping a major deuce. Flush your fucking dumps! I don’t care if it’s a two flusher, three flusher, or you need to poke it with a stick; get rid of it! I’d be mortified if I left a linkin’ log in there for the entire world to see. Some people have no shame. One time I saw an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet. A roll of fucking toilet paper! I could have used that to wipe my ass !! Thanks to you, the maintenance people, folks who literally clean up our shit, have to fish that out of the toilet.

I’m not asking my fellow students to be like me and hold in their farts around others. All I ask is that you show a little common courtesy and take care of your dirty business.