In Pursuit of the Everything Bagel

first guest post today. written by jackie wayne

As I sit here listening to my 90’s R&B playlist (consisting of Boyz II Men, K-Ci and Jojo, and Portrait), I contemplate the ratio of white to black students on the Vassar Campus. I don’t know the actual numbers, but anyone who has set foot on the campus realizes that the ratio definitely favors honkies. Without delving into a socio-economic discussion about the reasons for the lack of diversity, I’ll give you the real reason: this school isn’t attractive to African American students. Vassar is a haven for rich white people who, judging by their clothing, wish they were a combination of lumberjacks and Peruvian lama herders.

During the first week of school, the administration made an effort to acclimate the freshmen to the “diversity” of the campus with various fun (in comparison to a Barbara Streisand concert) activities and discussions. Clearly, there’s sexual diversity here: there are the ten sports fans, the lesbians by necessity and the people who have adopted the Prince symbol as their sexuality. This is all well and good, but we’re seriously lacking in the ethnic diversity department.

So how can the school fix this, you ask? It can’t. Vassar has tried to diversify the campus through a need-blind admissions process. To give you an idea of the administration’s success, picture a sesame bagel with four poppy seeds on it. Vassar has failed. It’s up to us, the student body, to effect this change by being less unbearably white. I doubt that many African Americans want to spend their collegiate career around a bunch of hipster trust-fund babies…does anyone? So how can we be less white, you ask? It’s quite simple. Just follow these three steps:

Step 1: Before you go outside, look in the mirror. If you look like a homeless person or a member of the band Good Charlotte (same thing at this point), rethink your outfit. Take off the plastic body armor and the Burger King King-Hat that you got at your 8th birthday party. No one is asking you to wear a tuxedo, but is your personality that weak that you have to get people’s attention with your faux-hobo garbs?

Step 2: Learn how to dance. It doesn’t have to be good dancing, it can even be a little silly as long as it goes along with the beat of the song. There’s nothing worse than trying to dance with a girl and being knocked over by a skanking jackass trying to get everyone’s attention. What has the world come to when a man can ruin a classic booty-shaking song such as Usher’s Yeah feat. Lil John and get away with it?

Step 3: Stop listening to MGMT and eat less mayonnaise. The next time you are lucky enough to bring a lady friend, dude, or donkey (I don’t judge) back to your room after a party, throw some D’Angelo on the stereo and make passionate love to the rhythms of bass drum.

Maybe you think I’m being too judgmental of my fellow (white) man. Well, suck it. I’m embarrassed by the image that hipsters give this school and this generation. Hopefully the hipster will soon find a new trend to mindlessly follow.